I have been wanting to write about this feeling that I have had over the past few weeks. However, part of me is very reluctant to share what I am feeling. In part I am afraid that people will judge me and in part I am ashamed that I feel the way that I do.
So please bare with me as I search for the right words to use to adequately explain the emotions and feelings turning inside.
Lately it has been a struggle to keep my son on track with his diabetes care. Don’t get me wrong we have made many strides in getting to a better place but it has been a struggle. In my efforts to help him to be well I often get frustrated by his unwillingness to take care of himself. I sometimes get down right pissed off that he gets upset with me when I bring the meter to him or prepare his insulin for him.
This is where I beat myself up. I know that this has been an even more difficult transition for him. Anger for getting a diagnosis that has no cure and will be with him for the rest of his life. That even when I am not here for him that he will have to take care of this health on his own. That sucks. I know that he has days when he is tired of this disease and that he wants to hide from it. I also know that I am the only parent he has to help him through this and I am the one person he can show his true emotions to. I also know that he is a 14 year old boy. Still a kid, that has not developed all the skills to take care of himself.
Having that knowledge sometimes does not help, because sometimes it makes me mad, and sometimes it pisses me off when he doesn’t care for himself and sometimes it hurts to see him hurt and sometimes it frustrates me that I am the only one taking on his care.
I would love to say that I am a picture perfect parent when it comes to helping him manage his diabetes and emotions. I am not. I try my best with what I have but it is a struggle as a single parent to make it all work. It is really tough to know how to help him and to know when to push him.
This is a dark time in my life and I know that others have been here before me but I am not sure that we openly talk about the feelings we have as a caregiver. I know that I am hesitating to post this because I am afraid that I will be harshly judged. The feelings that I have can’t be mine alone, but because they are not positive in relation to what I feel I am supposed to feel as a caregiver I do feel alone and not understood.
2:00am seems to be some magical hour. Or it is the standard hour that all broken pancrei (not really sure that is a word – but a fellow DBlogger used it so I am sure that is in the dictionary, if not on Webster’s list to be added to the dictionary next year).
It is the hour in which I wake up to test my sons blood sugar. It is actually 2:00am right now, maybe not in your part of town, but here in North West Indiana it is. Like so many D Moms and Dads. I am not sure what a full 8 hours of sleep looks like any more. I was hopeful that tonight I might get about 3 maybe 4 hours straight. However, I do not think that is going to happen. I tested his blood sugar and he was at 80.
Now technically this is a very Awesome and wonderful number, but for my son this is a number that is as rare as a purple zebra. (He must have been in my dreams, otherwise why would I say Purple Zebra?) It is a number that neither myself or Bubba are comfortable with. I gave him one glucose tab just to bring him up a tad to hopefully nudge his numbers up a bit, turn them around.
Hold n a second….
Yep, it turned it around just enough. To give me a little comfort to go back to sleep for a couple of hours.
Sweet dreams…. Haha that is funny. I hope my dreams are laced with a cure for jump starting the pancreas.