Numbers

Friday morning we took Brandon to his 6 month appointment.  Hard to believe that it has been only 6 months.  In some moments it feels so new and in other moments it feels like a life time of struggle.

We learned that he grew an inch and that he lost 5 lbs.  Good and bad all at the same time.  We also found out that his A1C is at 13.4 which is more than when he initially went into the hospital.  UGH!

The past couple of months it has been a struggle to get Brandon to take his insulin and to take his blood sugar.  His blood sugar is steady in the 400-500 range and he has had ketones 4 times in this past month.  I knew going into this appointment that the numbers wouldn’t be great.   However, I did not expect them to be higher than when he went into the hospital.

I know that Brandon feels trapped by the numbers.  And the mere fact of taking his blood sugar can make him feel bad about himself.  When the numbers run high he feels he has failed and I am trying to help him to understand that the numbers are a tool.  A tool that keeps him healthy.  I also believe that the numbers to him are a reminder that he is different from other kids.  Something that any 12-year-old wants to avoid.

The nurse was very direct with Brandon.  She brought in the nutritionist who was even more direct with Brandon.  She used the phrase “failure to thrive” in explaining his weight loss to him.  This brought tears to my eyes.  With it being summer and the kids are home all day by themselves he has a tendency to eat without insulating.  As a single mom, I wrestle with the fact that I feel that I am not home enough for him and the fact that I have to work to make money.  Guilt has definitely been a close friend of mine in the past 6 months.

I am hoping that we can learn to use the numbers as tools and not give them so much emotional control, and that both Brandon and I can use the numbers to our advantage one day.

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